What to do when looking for love in later life.
It’s never too late to consider love and romance, according to Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia.
However, there are things that have changed since the first flush of youth that you may want to consider – especially if you’re looking for a new relationship after divorce or being widowed.
“Starting a new relationship in your 50s is a different proposition than when you’re younger, especially if you’ve had long-term relationships in the past,” said Elisabeth.
“In the end, you need to be able to answer the question, ‘am I ready for this?’.”
Elisabeth recommends doing a life ‘stocktake’ before diving into the dating market. One part of this process is to do an honest evaluation of previous relationships – looking at what worked and what didn’t.
“Are there any unresolved issues?” she asks. “Do you need to work on your self-esteem? Have you reached a point where you’re comparatively at peace with your past? Have you fully worked through your grief?”
“Think of this time as an opportunity to invest in yourself. If you’ve spent a lot of your life being a support to your partner, such as working part time or putting your career on hold, you might decide to take the time to upskill and work on that side of your life before you consider another relationship.”
Invest in new friendships – especially other singles like yourself, says Elisabeth.
“Depending on how long you’ve been partnered for, you may not know any other single people so it can be difficult to be considered a ‘third wheel’ when going out with married couples,” she said.
“Some women also report finding themselves excluded from some social circles when they become single in the unfair belief that they can’t be trusted around husbands.
“That’s why it is important to have some single friends as well who can act as a buffer in your dating experience.”
Also, take time to consider how you might approach intimate topics such as sex, says Elisabeth.
“It might be that when you were younger, discussions about sex centred on contraception, but when that is no longer a concern, it is
still important to have the safe sex conversation with a new partner,” she said.
In addition to performing a life stocktake, Elisabeth recommends considering the views of other relationship ‘stakeholders’.
“These are the other important relationships in your life such as your children and grandchildren,” she said. “When you partner anew, there may be concerns about assets and future inheritances, so that is definitely a conversation which needs to be had.”
Elisabeth says widowed singles need to be open with their children about the possibility of finding love with another person.
“Some children will be absolutely delighted, whereas others may be upset and concerned that the other parent’s memory isn’t being honoured.”
Most important is doing what is right for you, says Elisabeth.
“Take your time,” she advises. “You might find someone on the first date, or you may not – and that’s okay too.”
“And don’t feel that you need to be on dating apps all the time, in fact it’s healthy to take several months away. Return only when you are ready to.”
“It’s about having a full life, so a new relationship is the icing on the cake and not the cake itself.”
